She is here...and now I am scared

     She had been anouncing her arrival for days, so she was expected but boy this time it seems like 1) it took for ever 2) had every sympton (poor hubby) and last but not least although desired, she is now dreaded. Of course I am talking about AF. yay~

This morning as I was getting ready to come to work my brain was already exausted. I am scared. Really scared. In the back of my head I really didnt want her to visit because that meant that I couldnt conceive, and if I didnt conceive then I couldnt miscarry.

Miscarry. Hm. When I got pregnant with my son, miscarriage was never a thought. I knew I was going to be bringing home my baby and be a mom. There was never any though about a miscarriage. In fact, when I got pregnant I was only 17 years old. I moved in with my then boyfriend (now hubby) when I was only 8 weeks pregnant. My only worry then was to finish school before my baby arrived...because I was going to have a baby. PERIOD.

Now with PCOS, I dont know if I am going to one of the lucky ones that gets her BFP on her first cycle, even if I do, it doesnt mean I will be bringhing home a baby by the end of January or late February. Thats what I am scared of and I cant control it.

Where are you Aunty...

Aunt flow that  is.  I never thought I would be bummed if she didnt show up. But now that I need her, she doesnt want to show her not so pretty face. I mean, do I really want the cramps, the fatigue, the having to run to the restroom because I though oh sh!t, I just had an accident? No I dont, but I need her to start my cycle.

Last time I took Provera, it was in January and I was on pill #9 when my AF showed up for a visit. I took my last Provera pill on Sunday night and no signs of her arrival.

I am not a fan of waiting, but I guess I have to get used to it. After all I have been playing this waiting game for a while now. Its so hard to see my Clomid just sitting there, but then again, do I really want to get disappointed fairly quickly if it doesnt work? My head is going to explode with all these crazy thought....thats what waiting does to you....BOO!

Last Time

Time to write my thoughts once again. Last time I even came to this page I was frustrated yet hopeful. Today I am scared.

Last time I was here, I knew something was going on. Blood work after blood work, test after test...and need mention all those uncomfortable ultrasounds? But I remained hopeful.

Then I started reading all these different blogs, and it became obvious that I too had PCOS. Why wasn't I being diagnosed from the beginning? I had all the signs, no period, hair in places that shouldnt be and well the weight gain (which is now slowly coming off ).

Anyways, I am now on provera, day 6 to be exact. I have my Clomid at home waiting for my cyle to begin. I look at the calendar and I am scared. Nothing has been easy thus far, do I really expect it will be easy now?
Maybe that's what I scared of, wishing that for just this once I can have it easy.

Another thing I dont know, I have read on many blogs/forums of Drs. putting you on Metformin and Clomid. I was reffered to an endocinologist and after testing she concluded that there was no reason to be on Metformin. I was happy to hear that but now that I think about it, why not?